Jen (thebuttonontop) wrote,

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so i'm gonna do my once every several month post here....  First to say Happy Birthday to Kiwi (sorry i missed it, love) and all the other people who have February birthdays. 
Secondly to thank xrai_namere and evalentine9 for the hearts....  you guys are awesome. 

I guess an update is in order. School's going pretty awesome, though Art History is a pain in the arse. 
I started training for roller derby. I believe that it is the thing that shall save my life.   Derby is amazing, and i thank every diety that there is that i found it and the people who are involved in it. 
You see.... Josh and I broke up.  and I know last time i was here, i was talking about doing this.....   I had a few months of considering it... and I had decided that we needed to fix things. That 8 years was just not enough to throw away. I realized that I love him more than anything and that all of the bullshit that we went through just didn't matter.  Unfortunately, he had done a lot of considering also, and had decided that he didn't want to stay together. 
Now i feel like my heart is shattering in my chest. My world feels like its ending. I still live with him for the time, since we're on a lease...  and we're still friends.  still very close. Friendship was never the issue...  I wake up every morning with him still holding onto me. And then we spend the rest of the day and all i can think about is how i'm not a part of his life anymore. Or at least not an important part.  And it is killing me.   Its killing me because I fucked up. I wish i could go back and fix everything that i did to make this wrong. I have tried to come back here so much...  but its so hard cause I'm reading all of these lovey stories between my boys and it makes me think fo what i dont have anymore. And won't anymore. its true that you don't know what you've got till its gone. i've fucked up the best thing that ever happened to me. 
 *sighs*   i just don't know what to do ... i feel so fucking helpless without him. so sad it feels like i'm just going to shatter. I dont sleep anymore cause i just cry all night. 

i'm sorry to come in here and rant. i need a good occasion to happen so i can come in here and be happy. 

i can show off the picture of my TARDIS corset...  got it at Templecon, the steampunk con in Providence, RI. So thats a good thing. 

i'm going to start making small forays back into this world... but its gonna take a bit. i miss you guys and love you guys and wish that i could go back to how things used to be. 
Tags: angst, bitching, josh, personal

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